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23 June 2007 @ 01:41 am
...my departing gift?  

The Voice Over Guy’ Disclaimer: Product is actually smaller than it appears… wait, wrong card. *switches* Oh! Here it is… *deepens voice* This following parody was formed to insult you, your characters, and possibly your parents. This is your warning to not write any hate mail, hate on, throw a ham, or sue the writer. Checks, however, are accepted.

Also, have a pillow ready, because you might wake up your household.

Episode the Third: And Here I Was, Thinking The French Gave Up Fighting After WWII…

 

 


Benjamin: *stares at the wall, bored*

Alaina (aka Jill’s sister): I kind of liked it better when he was a drunk.

Benjamin: I’VE GOT IT!

Jill: …alcohol?

Benjamin: No! How we can really annoy the Ministry!

Alaina: Fire their therapists?

Jill: By not accepting their white flags?

Alaina: Introduce them to a dictionary?

Jill: Send in the American forces?

Alaina: Do you always have to mock the French?

Jill: Yeah, pretty much.

Benjamin: No… start an underground paper.

Jill: Do the Death Eaters even know how to read?

Alaina: *facepalm* Damn it, we ran out of sugar again.

So, Nobody Ever Went to the Post Office Until Now…

[And this is basically why.]

Seth: Hi, Sky. I haven’t seen you since… you know, I ruined your Ministry.

Sky: Hahahaha. I wouldn’t want to own that Ministry.

Seth: Yeaah, well. I was just having troubles lately. Betraying the trust of my friends and all, nobody trusting me… it’s all because I listen to Death Cab! *sobs* Why doesn’t anyone understaa-a-a-a-and me?

Sky: FUCK YOU. I’m the original emo kid. *slits his wrists*

Seth: *grins*

Sky: Because that’s normal.

St. Mungo’s Hospital For Shady Dealings

Sky: Heeey, Caleb. So, I was in the neighborhood, you know… cutting hands off of Death Eaters.

Caleb: So, normal day, right?

Sky: Pretty much. So… you think you could fix Seth?

Seth: I don’t WANT TO BE FIXED. *throws hand in fire*

Sky: Because that’s normal.

It Was a Cool, Shady Day in the Park

Seth: …why did you bring her? [in English: Hello, how are you?]

Jill: I couldn’t afford a babysitter. [Good. Work is fine. You?]

Seth: Did the Jail Cell service shut down again? [Eh, okay. The usual.]

Jill: Hey, dude. Where’s your hand? …does this mean your internal clock is also missing a hand? That would suck to not be on time if you can only read hours. […actually, no, that’s the same in English]

Seth: So, you want to know Xxani’s location?

Jill: Pretty much.

Seth: Tap your heels three times and say, “I wish I were in Ozkaban.”

Jill: Because that’s normal.

Meanwhile, in Ozkaban

Xxanica: …do you think I could upgrade to the master suite?

Lexa: Trust me, the interior decorating isn’t much better up there.

Bellatrix: Crucio!

Xxanica: …the fuck?

Lexa: NOT YOUR STAGE CUE YET, BELLATRIX.

Xxanica: How much better is the room service?

Lexa: Bellatrix comes on the hour.

Xxanica: I’ll think… I’m good.

[…time elapse]

Nels: Damn, you are alive.

Bellatrix: I can fix that. Crucio!

Nels: NOT YOUR STAGE CUE YET, BELLATRIX.

Bellatrix: DAMN IT.

Nels: So…

Xxanica: Yeah, congrats on the duel.

Nels: That’s it. Let’s hug it out, bitch.

Xxanica: *awkwardly hugged* So, about that upgrade?

This Will Perhaps Persuade You Not To Join the Order

Sky: Sooo, meeting everyone.

Everyone: *enters*

Mila: *annoys Sky*

Mrs. Weasley: *feeds all*

The Sapphires: *take their coffee with two teaspoons of Shady*

Sky: So, I was talking with Seth…

Jill: Why is that always the opener for meetings?

Sky: It’s like a choose your own adventure. You have talked with Seth. Either: a) Your Minister will be destroyed or b) your members will be at risk to be exposed. Of course, the Death Eaters did [this dumb thing] which is the loophole you will use. So, our plan of action is to do [this cool thing], and then- lolz, guys. We ran out of time again. New meeting!

[…]

Sky: Sooo, meeting everyone.

Everyone: *enters*

Mila: *annoys Sky*

Mrs. Weasley: *feeds all*

The Sapphires: *take their coffee with two teaspoons of Shady*

Sky: So, I was talking with Seth…

Jill: Why is that always the opener for meetings?

Sky: It’s like a choose your own adventure. You have talked with Seth. Either: a) Your Minister will be destroyed or b) your members will be at risk to be exposed. Of course, the Death Eaters did [this dumb thing] which is the loophole you will use. So, our plan of action is to do [this cool thing], and then- lolz, guys. We ran out of time again. New meeting!

[Point illustrated. Continue.]

The Water is Always Better is Ozkaban

Bellatrix: CRUCI-

Lexa: NOT YET, DAMN IT.

Bellatrix: *shuffles away sadly*

Lexa: You know what I found out about you today, Xxanica?

Xxanica: Surely not that I’m a card caring member of Forks R’ Us.

Lexa: I was thinking more along the lines of the Order, but you know…

Xxanica: …the Order of what?

Lexa: Criminally Insane Misfits and Shady Ass Beings?

Xxanica: OH. I forgot about that one.

Lexa: Who else is in the Order?

Xxanica: Idk, my BFF Jill? Speaking of which… hey, that water isn’t laced…

Mirage!Jill: I’m sorry my travel agent cancelled last minute on this tour of hell.

Xxanica: S’okay. It’s really bad, anyway. Room service is terrible.

Mirage!Mr. Bogazi: Didn’t I tell you not to run with scissors?

Xxanica: …it was don’t run with scissors?

Mirage!Mr. Bogazi: Like father, like daughter, I guess.

Lexa: …the hell? WHY are your hallucinations more complicated than you are, woman!

The Take Over, The Break’s Over

[Nels is good with fire. Seth plays chess. Lexa knows meats. Sky is good with amputations. Ian knows small swords. And Jill?]

Jill: *breaks wards*

Caleb: You totally need a new hobby.

Sky: CHAAAAARGE!

Deal or No Deal?

Ian: Okay, for some reason, the Order wants to sacrifice half their lives for your bony ass. So, here’s a deal. You spy, and we let them live.

Xxani: …you’re just afraid of them.

Ian: Why would I fear them?

Xxani: Because you’re French?

Ian: …

Xxani: You’re making a deal, but all I hear is “We surrender”.

Ian: Shut up, bloody woman, and take the deal.

Dueling Death Eaters 101

[There are two ways to really piss of a Death Eater.]

Jai: *decoys with Nels*

Nels: Bow to the fire, bitch… who’s name… I don’t know.

Jai: *silent*

Nels: SPEAK. SPEAK NOW, DAMN IT.

[…you can stay silent the whole time, or…]

Jill: You know what’s sad?

Lexa: That Arty died?

Jill: I was thinking your dueling skills, however…

[…or you could constantly taunt them. You may lose, but you get the self satisfaction that somewhere out there, a Death Eater is still pissed off.]

The Trojan Horse

Sky: DUEL TIME.

Game: *is on*

Seth: Pawntoefour.

Sky: Pawntoffive.

Seth: HA, BITCH.

Thread: *eats self*

Should Have Thrown Up The White Flag While He Had The Chance…

Caleb: Time to play with the big boys?

Ian: *pulls out his daggers*

Caleb: *snorts*

Ian: Ready to give up?

Caleb: Nah, that’s your job.

Ian: *gets frozen*

Caleb: *supermans and goes to rescue Xxanica*

Nels: Too bad you don’t have a big sword, huh?

Ian: You better get back here, or else…

Nels: Hey, no means no, no matter how gymnastically challenged you are.

Ian: *does as any good Frenchman does… retreats*

The Trojan Horse (Take 2)

Seth: Will you marry me, Sky?

The Author: *totally did not make this shit up*

Sky: If we divorce, you totally get all the kids.

Seth: *mumbles something about a jail cell*

The Epic Battle of Ham Versus Fork

Lexa: I thought there was an age limit on the Order.

Jill: Nah, we totally have a two year old.

Bellatrix: CRUCI-

Lexa: NOT YOUR CUE, BELLATRIX. MY LINE.

Jill: Well, fork you!

Lexa: Eh, drop it like its Arty!

The Trojan Horse (Take 3)

Sky: *throws Ian at Seth’s head*

Everyone: *lolz*

Seth: *becomes the first person to ever pee in Harry Potter history*

Sky: …that’s kind of disgusting.

Stop! It’s Breakout Time

Caleb: Xxani! zomg.

Xxani: You totally can’t be real.

Jill: I totally owe you ten galleons for this, huh?

Xxani: …yeah, real.

Shady Dealings: *go down*

Order: *is awesome*

[The end.]

 

 
 
 
nile_lily on June 23rd, 2007 05:54 am (UTC)
LMAO Yeah... Literally crying right now.. HILARIOUS and AWESOME as always!!

DROP IT LIKE IT'S ARTY!
xsilentdreamx on June 23rd, 2007 06:11 am (UTC)
LMAO!

Hilarious, as always...I loved it.

And omg, that picture of Ian...hahahaha, CREEP.
nels_snape on June 23rd, 2007 06:17 am (UTC)
*claps to the awesomeness of teh Jill*

hahahahahhaa best.thing.ever.

LMAO it's too good.

xsilentdreamx on June 24th, 2007 12:42 am (UTC)
Lol, Nels--love your icon.

Jack = <3
nels_snape on June 25th, 2007 05:35 am (UTC)
hahah thanks :] *loves on le Jack*
cgraves07 on June 23rd, 2007 02:38 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHAHA.

That is going to get me through work today.

Thanks Jill. Lolz.
hamsiggy on June 23rd, 2007 11:28 pm (UTC)
OMFG.

I was laughing so hard reading this. I was afraid I would wake my family up last night.